5 Reasons You Should Shut The Hell Up And Admit You Love Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin and spice and everything nice: that’s what lattes are made of. Or at least that’s what those secretive baristas would have you believe.

AubreyPlza

It turns out there’s not even really pumpkin in those lattes. Or should I say lie-ttes?

Yes. I should.

Elf

But who cares! It’s tasty, it’s got caffeine in it, and it will keep you warm as the chill of fall creeps into your lonely bones. Remember, when it comes to the changing seasons, there are so many things worse than a delightful cinnamon beverage.

TinaLovingCofffe

So shut up for one second about all the basic bitches and focus on the real issues, like these 5 seasonal changes worse than the PSL:

Infinity Scarves:

First debuted after the girl scout sash factory shut down, the infinity scarf is basically a hula hoop on muscle relaxers. For people with cold necks who don’t want to splurge for two ends on their scarves.

You're worth it
You’re worth it

Space Invaders:

Millions upon millions of crawly critters have lost their summer homes to the chill, but thankfully they just found a great place on Airbnb to crash during the winter months: literally everywhere in your house. Your three-bedroom is now a thousand-and-three-bedroom, and they’re not even chipping in on the utilities.

ReadYourDiary
And you thought your current roommates were annoying…

The Dark Side:

The days are getting shorter, which is basically the sun’s way of saying we should see other people. Fall’s dark and frosty mornings are the polar opposite of “fun in the sun.”

Ummmm…

“Shark in the dark?”

Terrifying...
It’s terrifying…

Pale Storm:

Best friend of darkness, pale skin is the disease for the season. That beautiful irradiated skin you worked on all summer is not long for this world. Unless you frequent tanning salons, in which case the changing seasons are the least of your concerns.

tan

The Flaming Lips:

I’m not going to bore you with my extensive knowledge of osmotic diffusion, but trust me when I say the cold weather literally sucks the moisture out of your body. I’m currently working on a theory that the chapstick conglomerates purposefully caused global warming to create colder, drier winters, but until I can get media coverage and expose those fat cats at Burt’s Bees, protect your kisser at all costs.

Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!
Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!

I hope you’ve learned something here today about what’s important in life. Fall is dark and full of terrors, so make sure to be on the lookout for these 5 perils of the season. And don’t forget, on occasion, to stop and smell the lattes.

Fry guzzling coffee