5 Reasons You Should Shut The Hell Up And Admit You Love Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin and spice and everything nice: that’s what lattes are made of. Or at least that’s what those secretive baristas would have you believe.

AubreyPlza

It turns out there’s not even really pumpkin in those lattes. Or should I say lie-ttes?

Yes. I should.

Elf

But who cares! It’s tasty, it’s got caffeine in it, and it will keep you warm as the chill of fall creeps into your lonely bones. Remember, when it comes to the changing seasons, there are so many things worse than a delightful cinnamon beverage.

TinaLovingCofffe

So shut up for one second about all the basic bitches and focus on the real issues, like these 5 seasonal changes worse than the PSL:

Infinity Scarves:

First debuted after the girl scout sash factory shut down, the infinity scarf is basically a hula hoop on muscle relaxers. For people with cold necks who don’t want to splurge for two ends on their scarves.

You're worth it
You’re worth it

Space Invaders:

Millions upon millions of crawly critters have lost their summer homes to the chill, but thankfully they just found a great place on Airbnb to crash during the winter months: literally everywhere in your house. Your three-bedroom is now a thousand-and-three-bedroom, and they’re not even chipping in on the utilities.

ReadYourDiary
And you thought your current roommates were annoying…

The Dark Side:

The days are getting shorter, which is basically the sun’s way of saying we should see other people. Fall’s dark and frosty mornings are the polar opposite of “fun in the sun.”

Ummmm…

“Shark in the dark?”

Terrifying...
It’s terrifying…

Pale Storm:

Best friend of darkness, pale skin is the disease for the season. That beautiful irradiated skin you worked on all summer is not long for this world. Unless you frequent tanning salons, in which case the changing seasons are the least of your concerns.

tan

The Flaming Lips:

I’m not going to bore you with my extensive knowledge of osmotic diffusion, but trust me when I say the cold weather literally sucks the moisture out of your body. I’m currently working on a theory that the chapstick conglomerates purposefully caused global warming to create colder, drier winters, but until I can get media coverage and expose those fat cats at Burt’s Bees, protect your kisser at all costs.

Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!
Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!

I hope you’ve learned something here today about what’s important in life. Fall is dark and full of terrors, so make sure to be on the lookout for these 5 perils of the season. And don’t forget, on occasion, to stop and smell the lattes.

Fry guzzling coffee

10 Tips To Go From Beach Bod To Hot Hibernator This Fall

This weekend, government employees across the country will simultaneously pass out and sleep for 62 hours. And this can mean only one thing, Labor Day is upon us, and with it comes strange fashion rules regarding the color white.

I really do not understand fashion...
I really do not understand fashion…

But this holiday marks another milestone: the beginning of that beautiful season known as autumn. Yes, the season of flannel, crunching leaves, and tweets hating on pumpkin spice.

Cheap shot, Jimmy...
Don’t slut shame, Jimmy…

We’re on the threshold of the holiday season: the most emotionally and physically stressful time of the year. A no-longer-ironic ugly sweater won’t be enough to protect you; you’ll need a body capable of man-handling the holidays like Karen did at last year’s Christmas party.

That’s where this guide comes in: we’ve got 8 tips to turn your sharp and shiny beach bod into the insulated, fully-equipped snuggle master 5000 you’ve been daydreaming about.

NicKMiller

  1. Turn your six-pack into a keg. The carbonation in beer will expand your stomach in preparation for the ritualistic gorging.

2. Lose the tan, man! Pasty white skin will help camouflage you this winter allowing easy escape from awkward family conversations.

Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?
Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?

3. Squats! Not for a rock hard booty, but for the right form when pulling that turkey out of the deep fryer.

4. Go locally grown: a thick crop of leg hair is just as effective and cheaper than SmartWool

TinaLegs

5. Pumpkin Spice It Up: Don’t waste your energy hating on a spice blend. Carry a flask of whiskey to add to everything pumpkin and watch your cynicism melt away.

6. Lumberjack It: Chopping wood for a romantic fire is the most innuendo-filled activity of the holiday season

Ladies?!
Ladies?!

7. Carbed Wire: Remember the Atkin’s diet? No you don’t! Build up a warm layer of insulation and save on your heating bill.

8. Lotion in the Ocean: Proper moisturizing is key in the dry winter months. Nobody’s trying to snuggle up to Frosty the Sandpaper Man.

Would Ben Stiller lie to you?
Would Ben Stiller lie to you?

9. Lock It Down: If you grow your hair out long enough, you won’t have to invest in earmuffs… Or underwear.

10. Yoga Bear: While you’re letting your hair down, strike a pose to keep yourself limber. Nobody likes an uptight snuggle buddy.

raw

With these tips, your winter wonderland will be the envy of every gingerbread man this holiday season. Stay tuned next week for my 15 Ways To Glaze Your Christmas “Ham!”

13 Signs Your Roommate Needs A Romantic Intervention

Roommates are like snowflakes. Each one is unique, fragile, and leaves the toothpaste just sitting out next to the sink even though the second cabinet shelf is clearly designated as the toothpaste shelf! I can only leave so many passive-aggressive notes…

Verbally delivered notes...
I’ve moved on to verbally delivered notes…

And while a good roommate can become your best friend, even the best can fall victim to dating induced hysteria. And I’m not talking about the 1800’s definition.

Wink wink nudge nudge
“Massage”

So to help you figure out when enough is enough and you need to have a serious discussion (or gentle massage) with your living partner, here are

14 Signs Your Roommate Needs A Romantic Intervention:

  1. He has a minifridge specifically for his cologne

panther

2. Tinder has caused her to set no fewer than four actual fires

3. You’ve been awakened multiple times by the rhythmic creaking of his bedsprings… and his gentle weeping

Crying

4. You’ve caught her listening through the wall to the neighbor couple’s pillow talk

5. He’s writing The Notebook fanfiction

What does that even mean, Ryan?! Your dialogue is terrible!
What does that even mean, Ryan?! Your dialogue is terrible!

6. She bought her last match a pet dog on their second date

7. Her last match ended up being a surprisingly well trained dog in a trench coat

Wishbone was very convincing

8. He’s more concerned about swiping than Dora the Explorer

9. Last Valentine’s Day, he hired a Cupid impersonator to follow him around and shoot his crushes with arrows

Cupid

10. He’s in significant debt from battling Cupid-arrow related lawsuits

11. You’ve heard her practicing her sexy moaning before her dates

Phrasing!
Phrasing!

12. After her last break up, she bought night vision goggles, which she insists are for nocturnal bird watching

13. He’s become overly invested in your romantic life

Thanks?
Thanks?

So that’s it; the key to a drama-free roommate relationship. All you need to do is keep an eye out for those red flags and have your intervention banners at the ready.

And just remember, whatever happens, let’s not get hysterical…

Matchmake My Day – Setting Up Your Friends Makes You Happier!

Don’t tell Aldous Huxley, but we’re living in a brave new world. A world where computers tell you who to love, and romance has been replaced by binary decision-tree matrices and punch cards. Call me old fashioned, but the only punch cards I want in my romantic life are the ones that get you free sub-sandwiches.

Do they even still have those anymore?
Do they even still have those anymore?

I’m not sure when exactly we made the leap from letting our computers handle the simple stuff like our financial systems and ballistic missiles to letting them handle the important things like our romantic lives and cat pictures. I do know that in doing so, we gave up one of the keys to our happiness as humans.

That cat is a national treasure!
That cat is a national treasure!

According to NPR’s social science correspondent, Shankar Vedantam, a new study has shown that people who play matchmaker for their friends experience an increase in happiness. And this mood boost gets bigger with the unlikelihood of the match.

April&Andy

But with the rise of internet dating, you miss out on these odd matches. When you tell a computer your likes and dislikes, it will pair you up with someone exactly like you because computers only do exactly what you tell them (at least until The Matrix happens).

The-Matrix-quotes-4
No comment

So if you’re feeling down about your digitized love-life, at the very least get your friends involved in the game. Let them advise you on how best to use your swipes. Download SparkStarter and let them match you up all day long. Or even go all out and have them introduce you to a real-live person. It’s got all the same perks as online dating without the carpal tunnel.

BeautifulSpinster

Whatever the case, start matching up your friends, and grab a piece of that happiness pie before the pie-powered robots hear about it.

-David S

Ice Cream Socializing: What Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor Says About Your Love Life

National Ice Cream day is this Sunday, and it couldn’t come at a better time. Yes, it’s ungodly hot outside, and there’s no better (non-alcoholic) way to cool off than a double-scoop waffle cone, but what I’m talking about is more serious than that. I’m talking about SCIENCE!

Yeah, science!
Calm down, Jesse. I haven’t even said anything yet. Amateur…

Last year, Baskin-Robbins and Dr. Alan Hirsch, the founder of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, teamed up to study what a person’s favorite ice cream flavor says about their personality.

Brrrrrrrrr
For example: I like tattoos and make bad decisions.

But what can ice cream tell you about yourself that you don’t already know? I’ve lived with myself everyday for twenty-such-and-such years. If I haven’t figured out my personality by now, ice cream won’t teach me, no matter how insightful and well-read it is.

You raise a valid argument, Ice Cream
Spiderman doesn’t count. He’s always confused.

But with a little research into personality compatibility, I’ve unlocked the frozen sugary secret of what your favorite ice cream flavor says about your love life. So grab a cone, and figure out if you’re a licker or a biter. I swear I’m talking about ice cream…

FatStewie

Vanilla

Vanilla: otherwise known as plain. Boring. Ordinary. This must mean you’re drabber than drab and your love life is 50 shades of grey with a lower-case “g.” Wrong! Followers of Vanilla The Hun are intense, impulsive idealists. Pretty much like the real Atilla without all the beheading. Instead, they’re romantics at heart who can get lost in their daydreams. Which makes them a perfect match for…

Coffee

Those who walk down the dark-roasted path are not much different from coffee themselves: warm, fun to be with, and emotionally affirming. The lovers of coffee ice cream can provide the loyalty and emotional awareness the Vanillas of the world need. And in turn the Nilla Wafers give the Java the Hutts the credit and praise they won’t give themselves. Not to mention vanilla and coffee both come from beans. That’s probably a sign or something.

Java The Hutt
Get it? Java the Hutt…

Chocolate

The yin to vanilla’s yang. The darkness that quenches the light. The antithesis to vanilla’s… tithesis. If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it’s that the Chocolates should find themselves a nice Vanilla and settle down in an inexplicably affordable loft in lower Manhattan. Wrong again! Man, you guys are bad at this. Chocolatiers are performers at heart. They’re masters in the art of flirtation and seduction, but goofy and quirky. Basically Jessica Day. And this carefree sensual side pairs perfectly with…

Strawberry

Yes, the red-headed child of the ice cream family. Strawberries are devoted, understanding, and a little introverted, making those charming chocolates a great match. Not only is their sex life filled with chocolate covered strawberries, but together they are decidedly the fun couple and well-balanced. Chocolate can be frivolous with spending, but Strawberry’s practical side makes sure the two find the best possible deal on that hand-spun yak hair dreamcatcher Chocolate’s been eyeing.

My checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!
Chocolate out!

Chocolate Chip

Just like the first person to take a vanilla scoop and say “throw a couple chocolate chips in there,” those who love the speckled ice cream are generous and ambitious. They want the best of both worlds, and don’t mind asking for it. Much like a Chippendales dancer, Chip lovers lavish their partners with ridiculous displays of affection. They go big or they go home, making them the ideal match for…

Mint Chocolate Chip

Even though it’s not exactly the safe choice flavor-wise, those who prefer a little mint with their chocolate tend to be more cautious and frugal. They balance out their mintless partner’s child-like love of fun with a refreshing taste of green-dyed seriousness. Think of them as the bowtie around the Chippendales dancer’s neck: bringing a classy and serious feel as the chippers strut their stuff.

You do you, Chocolate Chip!
You do you, Chocolate Chip!

Rocky Road

Contrary to what the name suggests, drivers on the Rocky Road tend to have a smooth ride. They’re extremely dedicated and their people skills are off the charts. And that’s good news for them because they get to re-draw the chart, and these Rock stars are all about learning. It wouldn’t surprise me if they chose this particular flavor because it’s like a mini archaeological dig, full of ancient secrets and marshmallows. Unfortunately that question wasn’t on the survey. What I do know is that the Road warriors will learn to love…

Rainbow Sherbet

Rainbows are pretty much the international symbol of happy, and it’s no different when emblazoned upon ice cream or ice cream-like substances. The Rain-bowling league is laidback with an imagination set to hyperdrive. Their easy-going nature is the perfect counterpoint to the Road warrior’s high standards. Together they form an ambitious and enthusiastic duo with some of the rockier edges painted over in rainbow striping. Similar to my 2nd grade pet rock, but more emotionally stable.

Can you smell what The Rock is cookin?
I miss you too, pet The Rock

Cookie Dough

My personal favorite, which means it’s obviously for super rich, beautiful geniuses. More or less Tony Stark. Alright alright, that’s not really true. But Cookie Dough lovers are ambitious and even “visionary,” which explains how they came up with the idea to combine the two most beloved desserts of all time. They’re happy to focus on the big pictures (like delicious cookie dough) and ignore the small annoyances (like salmonella). So it’s natural they should be paired up with…

Pralines ‘n Cream

If you’re like me you’re not entirely sure what Pralines are, which is fitting because while PnC-lovers are loving and supportive, they’re a little shy and prefer to stay out of the spotlight. They take the flip side to Cookie Dough’s precociousness and help balance out Dough’s lack of follow-through with their disciplined nature. In fact, and this is an actual quote, PnCs are “dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship.” If that’s not deserving of a double scoop waffle cone, I don’t know what is!

HomerFainting
Please enjoy responsibly…

Well, that’s all the science I’m legally allowed to do in one blog post. If I forgot your favorite flavor, hit us up in the comments to let us know what it is, then check out the personality descriptions to learn more about your ideal match.

A Happy National Ice Cream Day to all you lovers out there. May your roads be rocky and your relationships smooth.

 

-David S