10 Tips To Go From Beach Bod To Hot Hibernator This Fall

This weekend, government employees across the country will simultaneously pass out and sleep for 62 hours. And this can mean only one thing, Labor Day is upon us, and with it comes strange fashion rules regarding the color white.

I really do not understand fashion...
I really do not understand fashion…

But this holiday marks another milestone: the beginning of that beautiful season known as autumn. Yes, the season of flannel, crunching leaves, and tweets hating on pumpkin spice.

Cheap shot, Jimmy...
Don’t slut shame, Jimmy…

We’re on the threshold of the holiday season: the most emotionally and physically stressful time of the year. A no-longer-ironic ugly sweater won’t be enough to protect you; you’ll need a body capable of man-handling the holidays like Karen did at last year’s Christmas party.

That’s where this guide comes in: we’ve got 8 tips to turn your sharp and shiny beach bod into the insulated, fully-equipped snuggle master 5000 you’ve been daydreaming about.


  1. Turn your six-pack into a keg. The carbonation in beer will expand your stomach in preparation for the ritualistic gorging.

2. Lose the tan, man! Pasty white skin will help camouflage you this winter allowing easy escape from awkward family conversations.

Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?
Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?

3. Squats! Not for a rock hard booty, but for the right form when pulling that turkey out of the deep fryer.

4. Go locally grown: a thick crop of leg hair is just as effective and cheaper than SmartWool


5. Pumpkin Spice It Up: Don’t waste your energy hating on a spice blend. Carry a flask of whiskey to add to everything pumpkin and watch your cynicism melt away.

6. Lumberjack It: Chopping wood for a romantic fire is the most innuendo-filled activity of the holiday season


7. Carbed Wire: Remember the Atkin’s diet? No you don’t! Build up a warm layer of insulation and save on your heating bill.

8. Lotion in the Ocean: Proper moisturizing is key in the dry winter months. Nobody’s trying to snuggle up to Frosty the Sandpaper Man.

Would Ben Stiller lie to you?
Would Ben Stiller lie to you?

9. Lock It Down: If you grow your hair out long enough, you won’t have to invest in earmuffs… Or underwear.

10. Yoga Bear: While you’re letting your hair down, strike a pose to keep yourself limber. Nobody likes an uptight snuggle buddy.


With these tips, your winter wonderland will be the envy of every gingerbread man this holiday season. Stay tuned next week for my 15 Ways To Glaze Your Christmas “Ham!”