5 Reasons You Should Shut The Hell Up And Admit You Love Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin and spice and everything nice: that’s what lattes are made of. Or at least that’s what those secretive baristas would have you believe.

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It turns out there’s not even really pumpkin in those lattes. Or should I say lie-ttes?

Yes. I should.

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But who cares! It’s tasty, it’s got caffeine in it, and it will keep you warm as the chill of fall creeps into your lonely bones. Remember, when it comes to the changing seasons, there are so many things worse than a delightful cinnamon beverage.

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So shut up for one second about all the basic bitches and focus on the real issues, like these 5 seasonal changes worse than the PSL:

Infinity Scarves:

First debuted after the girl scout sash factory shut down, the infinity scarf is basically a hula hoop on muscle relaxers. For people with cold necks who don’t want to splurge for two ends on their scarves.

You're worth it
You’re worth it

Space Invaders:

Millions upon millions of crawly critters have lost their summer homes to the chill, but thankfully they just found a great place on Airbnb to crash during the winter months: literally everywhere in your house. Your three-bedroom is now a thousand-and-three-bedroom, and they’re not even chipping in on the utilities.

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And you thought your current roommates were annoying…

The Dark Side:

The days are getting shorter, which is basically the sun’s way of saying we should see other people. Fall’s dark and frosty mornings are the polar opposite of “fun in the sun.”

Ummmm…

“Shark in the dark?”

Terrifying...
It’s terrifying…

Pale Storm:

Best friend of darkness, pale skin is the disease for the season. That beautiful irradiated skin you worked on all summer is not long for this world. Unless you frequent tanning salons, in which case the changing seasons are the least of your concerns.

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The Flaming Lips:

I’m not going to bore you with my extensive knowledge of osmotic diffusion, but trust me when I say the cold weather literally sucks the moisture out of your body. I’m currently working on a theory that the chapstick conglomerates purposefully caused global warming to create colder, drier winters, but until I can get media coverage and expose those fat cats at Burt’s Bees, protect your kisser at all costs.

Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!
Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!

I hope you’ve learned something here today about what’s important in life. Fall is dark and full of terrors, so make sure to be on the lookout for these 5 perils of the season. And don’t forget, on occasion, to stop and smell the lattes.

Fry guzzling coffee

10 Tips To Go From Beach Bod To Hot Hibernator This Fall

This weekend, government employees across the country will simultaneously pass out and sleep for 62 hours. And this can mean only one thing, Labor Day is upon us, and with it comes strange fashion rules regarding the color white.

I really do not understand fashion...
I really do not understand fashion…

But this holiday marks another milestone: the beginning of that beautiful season known as autumn. Yes, the season of flannel, crunching leaves, and tweets hating on pumpkin spice.

Cheap shot, Jimmy...
Don’t slut shame, Jimmy…

We’re on the threshold of the holiday season: the most emotionally and physically stressful time of the year. A no-longer-ironic ugly sweater won’t be enough to protect you; you’ll need a body capable of man-handling the holidays like Karen did at last year’s Christmas party.

That’s where this guide comes in: we’ve got 8 tips to turn your sharp and shiny beach bod into the insulated, fully-equipped snuggle master 5000 you’ve been daydreaming about.

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  1. Turn your six-pack into a keg. The carbonation in beer will expand your stomach in preparation for the ritualistic gorging.

2. Lose the tan, man! Pasty white skin will help camouflage you this winter allowing easy escape from awkward family conversations.

Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?
Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?

3. Squats! Not for a rock hard booty, but for the right form when pulling that turkey out of the deep fryer.

4. Go locally grown: a thick crop of leg hair is just as effective and cheaper than SmartWool

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5. Pumpkin Spice It Up: Don’t waste your energy hating on a spice blend. Carry a flask of whiskey to add to everything pumpkin and watch your cynicism melt away.

6. Lumberjack It: Chopping wood for a romantic fire is the most innuendo-filled activity of the holiday season

Ladies?!
Ladies?!

7. Carbed Wire: Remember the Atkin’s diet? No you don’t! Build up a warm layer of insulation and save on your heating bill.

8. Lotion in the Ocean: Proper moisturizing is key in the dry winter months. Nobody’s trying to snuggle up to Frosty the Sandpaper Man.

Would Ben Stiller lie to you?
Would Ben Stiller lie to you?

9. Lock It Down: If you grow your hair out long enough, you won’t have to invest in earmuffs… Or underwear.

10. Yoga Bear: While you’re letting your hair down, strike a pose to keep yourself limber. Nobody likes an uptight snuggle buddy.

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With these tips, your winter wonderland will be the envy of every gingerbread man this holiday season. Stay tuned next week for my 15 Ways To Glaze Your Christmas “Ham!”

You Go, Grill! An 8-Course Cookout Fit for a President

There are few things as American as the grill. Bacon mayo maybe, but that’s for a different blog post. At first glance the grill can seem crude and simple. But in the right hands, the grill holds more secrets than the back of the Declaration of Independence. You just need to have a little imagination.

Just think like Nicholas Cage
Maybe not that much imagination…

And so, in the spirit of Independence Day, which can and should be celebrated all summer long, I’ve compiled the ultimate list of rebellious grillables to turn a traditional BBQ into an 8-course cookout! This is America, dammit, and we’re free to grill whatever our cholesterol-filled hearts desire!

This is America
Ron Swanson approved

Before we bust into the list, let’s get one thing straight. Grills are hot, and as such need to be dealt with the same way you’d treat a hot date. Keep them in the open air, rub ‘em down with plenty of oil, and make sure your delicate… er… hands are properly covered. Let’s jump in!

1st Course

Cocktails

We all know grilling and beer go together like flips and flops. But what if I told you there was a better option — a grilled option — for your drinking pleasure?

Unorthodox? Yes. Unnecessary? A little. Smokey and sweet all at the same time? Absolutely.  I’m talking about this grilled pineapple mojito, which will keep you cool and collected as we move onto the next course of…

2nd Course

Salad

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You think salads are just bowls of cold leaves? Hell no! Brush those mothers down with some olive oil and vinegar and slap them on the grill! These grilled romaine hearts will impress even the most discerning of BBQ guests, and you’ll seem classy and healthy even as you stuff your face.

3rd Course

Hors D’oeuvres

Much like this great country of ours, a good grilled kabob is a melting pot: full of different meats, veggies, and pointy wooden sticks. From the traditionalists, to the vegans, every kabob has its place on the grill. And for the hipsters, there are stuffed peppers, chorizo-shrimp, and plenty of other options that nobody’s ever heard of before. Some even have bacon.

4th Course

Sausages & Corn

With all this revolutionary grilling you’ll be doing, some folks are bound to get uncomfortable. Trendsetting isn’t for everyone. And despite being the most innuendo-prone course, brats and grilled corn are a couple of grill classics sure to put everyone at ease before we get back into the really weird stuff.

5th Course

Antipasta

Grill Pizza

Fair warning, this is one you’ll actually have to plan ahead for. Waiting for pizza dough to rise is the culinary equivalent of watching paint dry without the fun of huffing paint fumes. But much like paint fume related brain damage, it’s all worth it when your guests are swooning over the smokey flavors and hopefully-not-burned crust of a fresh grilled pizza.

6th Course

Seafood

grilled shrimp

This is where things start to get tricky. Not in terms of culinary prowess; that happened a few bullet points ago. I’m talking about social grace. It’s a well known fact that leaving people alone with shrimp and a grill will invariably lead to a “shrimp on the barbie” joke, so I’m just going to warn you now. Don’t do it. You’ve worked too hard to do that to yourself. And if one of your guests commits this comedic faux pas in between bites of tangy Margarita Grilled Shrimp, kindly ask them to leave, escort them off the premises, and call 911.

7th Course

Poultry

beercanchicken

Alright, the kid gloves are off, and we’re taking our grill game to the next level. Then we’re beating the rest of the levels and putting our initials in the high scores as ASS. That’s right, it’s time for some Beer Can Chicken. This masterpiece uses the age old proverb, “Beer makes everything better” to keep the meat tender and juicy. Ok, maybe this is the most innuendo prone course… Let’s move on.

8th Course

Dessert

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You’re on the home stretch now. One last course until you’re inducted into the hallowed ranks of The Charcoal Knights of Bobby Flay. But let’s be honest, after seven other courses you’re going to be feeling fatigued and carrying a third-trimester food baby. So we’re going to keep it simple for dessert with brown-sugar grilled peaches. Add a little vanilla ice cream, and your guests will fall into a contented food coma before the coals cool off.

The Tongs that guard the Ribs of Men
The Tongs that guard the Ribs of Men

So there you have it! Proof that you don’t need electricity to throw an elaborate dinner party. Astound your friends and loved ones with your mastery of smoke and fire, then put them on clean-up duty. Your job is done.

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You Know You’re Proud to be an American When…

We’ve made it to the best weekend of the summer. If you’re as predictable as I am, you’ve been waiting for this holiday of pyrotechnics for 364 days and now it’s finally here.

What are we all talking about?The Fourth of July, of course.

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Well, okay, besides that, we all know the Fourth of July is freakin’ awesome.

Now, if your heart’s still racing with excitement just thinking about the fun you’ll have this weekend, this is only one thing that makes you proud to be an American.

What else puts you in the “I love ‘Merica a little too much” category? You’re about to find out.

1) You bought a red, white and blue swimsuit just for the holiday

Let’s face it, you definitely need to rock your three favorite colors at the multiple barbecues you’ll inevitably find yourself at this weekend.

Are these actually your favorite colors? Well, no. Will you be rockin’ them anyway just in case people forget what holiday you’re celebrating? YES.

2) Your friends have already spent way too much on fireworks

Now, let’s be clear. It’s not you who’s blowing hundreds of dollars on fireworks, it’s your buddies who got a little carried away at the 30 percent off sale at the firework warehouse a good 50 miles out from your house.

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You’re not complaining though, because we’re not letting the neighbors win the neighborhood’s unspoken firework face-off again this year, are we?

3) You can’t get enough of a good “U-S-A!” chant

Not only do you get really into these patriotic chants, you’re definitely going to start one on the Fourth. In your mind you’re thinking, “Well, I can’t not start this right now,” and all of a sudden, you’re off.

Nothing like brushing up on your spelling and acronym skills to really get a holiday going.

4) You’re going to consume way too much potato salad

That’s right, potato salad. Yes, you will be at multiple barbecues this weekend and there will be an assortment of meat entrees to choose from. You know what will also be there? Potato salad, and you’re going to eat way too much of it.

Consider yourself warned.

5) For this weekend and this weekend only, you love country music

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Studies have shown that 72 percent of country songs mention the U.S. of A being awesome in some way. Studies have also found that 81 percent of statistics are made up. That’s besides the point. The point is, country is ‘Murica’s music genre of choice when it really wants to toot its own horn. So yes, we all know you’ll be jammin’ with the rest of us to every country song we know.

We could go on all day, but honestly, we have some potato salad to eat. What else makes you super proud to be an American this weekend?

As always, let us know in the comments.

LD out.