5 Reasons You Should Shut The Hell Up And Admit You Love Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin and spice and everything nice: that’s what lattes are made of. Or at least that’s what those secretive baristas would have you believe.

AubreyPlza

It turns out there’s not even really pumpkin in those lattes. Or should I say lie-ttes?

Yes. I should.

Elf

But who cares! It’s tasty, it’s got caffeine in it, and it will keep you warm as the chill of fall creeps into your lonely bones. Remember, when it comes to the changing seasons, there are so many things worse than a delightful cinnamon beverage.

TinaLovingCofffe

So shut up for one second about all the basic bitches and focus on the real issues, like these 5 seasonal changes worse than the PSL:

Infinity Scarves:

First debuted after the girl scout sash factory shut down, the infinity scarf is basically a hula hoop on muscle relaxers. For people with cold necks who don’t want to splurge for two ends on their scarves.

You're worth it
You’re worth it

Space Invaders:

Millions upon millions of crawly critters have lost their summer homes to the chill, but thankfully they just found a great place on Airbnb to crash during the winter months: literally everywhere in your house. Your three-bedroom is now a thousand-and-three-bedroom, and they’re not even chipping in on the utilities.

ReadYourDiary
And you thought your current roommates were annoying…

The Dark Side:

The days are getting shorter, which is basically the sun’s way of saying we should see other people. Fall’s dark and frosty mornings are the polar opposite of “fun in the sun.”

Ummmm…

“Shark in the dark?”

Terrifying...
It’s terrifying…

Pale Storm:

Best friend of darkness, pale skin is the disease for the season. That beautiful irradiated skin you worked on all summer is not long for this world. Unless you frequent tanning salons, in which case the changing seasons are the least of your concerns.

tan

The Flaming Lips:

I’m not going to bore you with my extensive knowledge of osmotic diffusion, but trust me when I say the cold weather literally sucks the moisture out of your body. I’m currently working on a theory that the chapstick conglomerates purposefully caused global warming to create colder, drier winters, but until I can get media coverage and expose those fat cats at Burt’s Bees, protect your kisser at all costs.

Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!
Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!

I hope you’ve learned something here today about what’s important in life. Fall is dark and full of terrors, so make sure to be on the lookout for these 5 perils of the season. And don’t forget, on occasion, to stop and smell the lattes.

Fry guzzling coffee

10 Tips To Go From Beach Bod To Hot Hibernator This Fall

This weekend, government employees across the country will simultaneously pass out and sleep for 62 hours. And this can mean only one thing, Labor Day is upon us, and with it comes strange fashion rules regarding the color white.

I really do not understand fashion...
I really do not understand fashion…

But this holiday marks another milestone: the beginning of that beautiful season known as autumn. Yes, the season of flannel, crunching leaves, and tweets hating on pumpkin spice.

Cheap shot, Jimmy...
Don’t slut shame, Jimmy…

We’re on the threshold of the holiday season: the most emotionally and physically stressful time of the year. A no-longer-ironic ugly sweater won’t be enough to protect you; you’ll need a body capable of man-handling the holidays like Karen did at last year’s Christmas party.

That’s where this guide comes in: we’ve got 8 tips to turn your sharp and shiny beach bod into the insulated, fully-equipped snuggle master 5000 you’ve been daydreaming about.

NicKMiller

  1. Turn your six-pack into a keg. The carbonation in beer will expand your stomach in preparation for the ritualistic gorging.

2. Lose the tan, man! Pasty white skin will help camouflage you this winter allowing easy escape from awkward family conversations.

Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?
Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?

3. Squats! Not for a rock hard booty, but for the right form when pulling that turkey out of the deep fryer.

4. Go locally grown: a thick crop of leg hair is just as effective and cheaper than SmartWool

TinaLegs

5. Pumpkin Spice It Up: Don’t waste your energy hating on a spice blend. Carry a flask of whiskey to add to everything pumpkin and watch your cynicism melt away.

6. Lumberjack It: Chopping wood for a romantic fire is the most innuendo-filled activity of the holiday season

Ladies?!
Ladies?!

7. Carbed Wire: Remember the Atkin’s diet? No you don’t! Build up a warm layer of insulation and save on your heating bill.

8. Lotion in the Ocean: Proper moisturizing is key in the dry winter months. Nobody’s trying to snuggle up to Frosty the Sandpaper Man.

Would Ben Stiller lie to you?
Would Ben Stiller lie to you?

9. Lock It Down: If you grow your hair out long enough, you won’t have to invest in earmuffs… Or underwear.

10. Yoga Bear: While you’re letting your hair down, strike a pose to keep yourself limber. Nobody likes an uptight snuggle buddy.

raw

With these tips, your winter wonderland will be the envy of every gingerbread man this holiday season. Stay tuned next week for my 15 Ways To Glaze Your Christmas “Ham!”

13 Signs Your Roommate Needs A Romantic Intervention

Roommates are like snowflakes. Each one is unique, fragile, and leaves the toothpaste just sitting out next to the sink even though the second cabinet shelf is clearly designated as the toothpaste shelf! I can only leave so many passive-aggressive notes…

Verbally delivered notes...
I’ve moved on to verbally delivered notes…

And while a good roommate can become your best friend, even the best can fall victim to dating induced hysteria. And I’m not talking about the 1800’s definition.

Wink wink nudge nudge
“Massage”

So to help you figure out when enough is enough and you need to have a serious discussion (or gentle massage) with your living partner, here are

14 Signs Your Roommate Needs A Romantic Intervention:

  1. He has a minifridge specifically for his cologne

panther

2. Tinder has caused her to set no fewer than four actual fires

3. You’ve been awakened multiple times by the rhythmic creaking of his bedsprings… and his gentle weeping

Crying

4. You’ve caught her listening through the wall to the neighbor couple’s pillow talk

5. He’s writing The Notebook fanfiction

What does that even mean, Ryan?! Your dialogue is terrible!
What does that even mean, Ryan?! Your dialogue is terrible!

6. She bought her last match a pet dog on their second date

7. Her last match ended up being a surprisingly well trained dog in a trench coat

Wishbone was very convincing

8. He’s more concerned about swiping than Dora the Explorer

9. Last Valentine’s Day, he hired a Cupid impersonator to follow him around and shoot his crushes with arrows

Cupid

10. He’s in significant debt from battling Cupid-arrow related lawsuits

11. You’ve heard her practicing her sexy moaning before her dates

Phrasing!
Phrasing!

12. After her last break up, she bought night vision goggles, which she insists are for nocturnal bird watching

13. He’s become overly invested in your romantic life

Thanks?
Thanks?

So that’s it; the key to a drama-free roommate relationship. All you need to do is keep an eye out for those red flags and have your intervention banners at the ready.

And just remember, whatever happens, let’s not get hysterical…

Stabbin’ In The Woods: 10 Signs Your Romantic Camping Weekend Is Turning Into A Slasher Flick

There are two kinds of people: those who love the outdoors, and those who hate it.

babbling_brook

Well, actually there is a third kind of person: lunatics who enjoy chopping up camping teenagers. Different strokes for different folks!

That’s why it’s especially important this camping season to tread lightly. Literally. Tracks only help the psycho stalk you more efficiently. So I’ve compiled a list to help you sidestep the blood and guts. Keep an eye out for these 10 Signs Your Romantic Camping Weekend Is Turning Into A Slasher Flick:

1. A car, a camping stove, or a lightbulb doesn’t turn on. It’s dead. And a metaphor. It’s a dead-aphor.

2. The cabin you’re staying in has a “cellar”. Survivors prefer the ground floor, thank you.

Nothing good has ever been found in a "cellar." And I'm including apple sauce.
Nothing good has ever been found in a “cellar.” And I’m including apple sauce.

3. The nearby insane asylum has questionably archaic security practices. It’s like they don’t even care about rehabilitating those bloodthirsty psychopaths….

4. Tonight there’s a blood moon. Don’t trust the moon. It wants you dead.

A Dark Side of the Moon...
A Dark Side of the Moon…

5. Rather than romantic visions, you’re plagued by nightmares when you fall asleep. But who can sleep with that odd scratching noise.

6. A jar of jam or a bottle of ketchup explodes, covering you in what looks like blood. Your tough-guy friend points this out. He’ll be the first to go…

You Just Got Jammed
Good riddance…

7. Any member of your group could be called “token.”

8. The term “V-card” is thrown around at any point during your trip. Any discussion of virginity is like catnip to axe-murderers.

9. There’s a lake.

Skinny Dipping Only
The water’s fine…

 

10. You’re objectively terrible people.

So there you go. Keep an eye out for these signs, and you should survive your romantic wilderness romp.

But suppose you chose to have kinda weird, outdoor sex instead of reading my carefully thought-out blog post. What if you’re already in the middle of a chainsaw-filled, high pitch scream sort of weekend? You’re running for your life from a psychotic killer, but you’re not sure all is as it seems…

Well, I don’t know why I should help you now, but fine. Here are 10 Signs Your Slasher Flick is Turning Into A Romantic Camping Trip:

1. Behind the psycho’s hockey mask you can see just the hint of his sparkling blue eyes.

You could just drown in those eyes...
You could just drown in those eyes…

2. His breath on the back of your neck gives you the good kind of tingles…

3. Your murderer really seems to have a fun loving attitude.

I DO want to play a game!
I do want to play a game!

4. From the killer’s mindless grunts you can tell he has a lovely singing voice.

5. While running for your life, you tripped, and you really fell for him.

6. The killer’s homemade traps betray his love of arts and crafts.

His Etsy account is HackNSlash
His Etsy account is HackNSlash

7. Your psycho stalker really listens to you.

8. Other than the surgically implanted razor blades, his hands are so soft.

He must exfoliate...
He must exfoliate…

9. Your murderer seems to really care about his mother.

10. It’s clear he’s got no hang ups about pursuing a physical relationship.

Right, so now you should be all snuggled up next to your bloody lover, his hook-hand in yours, and everything is right with the world. Well, I suppose your friends and/or partner is dead, but hey, the wilderness is dangerous. They should have read my blog more closely…

-David S