5 Reasons You Should Shut The Hell Up And Admit You Love Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin and spice and everything nice: that’s what lattes are made of. Or at least that’s what those secretive baristas would have you believe.

AubreyPlza

It turns out there’s not even really pumpkin in those lattes. Or should I say lie-ttes?

Yes. I should.

Elf

But who cares! It’s tasty, it’s got caffeine in it, and it will keep you warm as the chill of fall creeps into your lonely bones. Remember, when it comes to the changing seasons, there are so many things worse than a delightful cinnamon beverage.

TinaLovingCofffe

So shut up for one second about all the basic bitches and focus on the real issues, like these 5 seasonal changes worse than the PSL:

Infinity Scarves:

First debuted after the girl scout sash factory shut down, the infinity scarf is basically a hula hoop on muscle relaxers. For people with cold necks who don’t want to splurge for two ends on their scarves.

You're worth it
You’re worth it

Space Invaders:

Millions upon millions of crawly critters have lost their summer homes to the chill, but thankfully they just found a great place on Airbnb to crash during the winter months: literally everywhere in your house. Your three-bedroom is now a thousand-and-three-bedroom, and they’re not even chipping in on the utilities.

ReadYourDiary
And you thought your current roommates were annoying…

The Dark Side:

The days are getting shorter, which is basically the sun’s way of saying we should see other people. Fall’s dark and frosty mornings are the polar opposite of “fun in the sun.”

Ummmm…

“Shark in the dark?”

Terrifying...
It’s terrifying…

Pale Storm:

Best friend of darkness, pale skin is the disease for the season. That beautiful irradiated skin you worked on all summer is not long for this world. Unless you frequent tanning salons, in which case the changing seasons are the least of your concerns.

tan

The Flaming Lips:

I’m not going to bore you with my extensive knowledge of osmotic diffusion, but trust me when I say the cold weather literally sucks the moisture out of your body. I’m currently working on a theory that the chapstick conglomerates purposefully caused global warming to create colder, drier winters, but until I can get media coverage and expose those fat cats at Burt’s Bees, protect your kisser at all costs.

Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!
Cult classic or subliminal advertising? Wake up, America!

I hope you’ve learned something here today about what’s important in life. Fall is dark and full of terrors, so make sure to be on the lookout for these 5 perils of the season. And don’t forget, on occasion, to stop and smell the lattes.

Fry guzzling coffee

10 Tips To Go From Beach Bod To Hot Hibernator This Fall

This weekend, government employees across the country will simultaneously pass out and sleep for 62 hours. And this can mean only one thing, Labor Day is upon us, and with it comes strange fashion rules regarding the color white.

I really do not understand fashion...
I really do not understand fashion…

But this holiday marks another milestone: the beginning of that beautiful season known as autumn. Yes, the season of flannel, crunching leaves, and tweets hating on pumpkin spice.

Cheap shot, Jimmy...
Don’t slut shame, Jimmy…

We’re on the threshold of the holiday season: the most emotionally and physically stressful time of the year. A no-longer-ironic ugly sweater won’t be enough to protect you; you’ll need a body capable of man-handling the holidays like Karen did at last year’s Christmas party.

That’s where this guide comes in: we’ve got 8 tips to turn your sharp and shiny beach bod into the insulated, fully-equipped snuggle master 5000 you’ve been daydreaming about.

NicKMiller

  1. Turn your six-pack into a keg. The carbonation in beer will expand your stomach in preparation for the ritualistic gorging.

2. Lose the tan, man! Pasty white skin will help camouflage you this winter allowing easy escape from awkward family conversations.

Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?
Can we talk about something other than Magic Mike, Aunt Barb?

3. Squats! Not for a rock hard booty, but for the right form when pulling that turkey out of the deep fryer.

4. Go locally grown: a thick crop of leg hair is just as effective and cheaper than SmartWool

TinaLegs

5. Pumpkin Spice It Up: Don’t waste your energy hating on a spice blend. Carry a flask of whiskey to add to everything pumpkin and watch your cynicism melt away.

6. Lumberjack It: Chopping wood for a romantic fire is the most innuendo-filled activity of the holiday season

Ladies?!
Ladies?!

7. Carbed Wire: Remember the Atkin’s diet? No you don’t! Build up a warm layer of insulation and save on your heating bill.

8. Lotion in the Ocean: Proper moisturizing is key in the dry winter months. Nobody’s trying to snuggle up to Frosty the Sandpaper Man.

Would Ben Stiller lie to you?
Would Ben Stiller lie to you?

9. Lock It Down: If you grow your hair out long enough, you won’t have to invest in earmuffs… Or underwear.

10. Yoga Bear: While you’re letting your hair down, strike a pose to keep yourself limber. Nobody likes an uptight snuggle buddy.

raw

With these tips, your winter wonderland will be the envy of every gingerbread man this holiday season. Stay tuned next week for my 15 Ways To Glaze Your Christmas “Ham!”

Matchmake My Day – Setting Up Your Friends Makes You Happier!

Don’t tell Aldous Huxley, but we’re living in a brave new world. A world where computers tell you who to love, and romance has been replaced by binary decision-tree matrices and punch cards. Call me old fashioned, but the only punch cards I want in my romantic life are the ones that get you free sub-sandwiches.

Do they even still have those anymore?
Do they even still have those anymore?

I’m not sure when exactly we made the leap from letting our computers handle the simple stuff like our financial systems and ballistic missiles to letting them handle the important things like our romantic lives and cat pictures. I do know that in doing so, we gave up one of the keys to our happiness as humans.

That cat is a national treasure!
That cat is a national treasure!

According to NPR’s social science correspondent, Shankar Vedantam, a new study has shown that people who play matchmaker for their friends experience an increase in happiness. And this mood boost gets bigger with the unlikelihood of the match.

April&Andy

But with the rise of internet dating, you miss out on these odd matches. When you tell a computer your likes and dislikes, it will pair you up with someone exactly like you because computers only do exactly what you tell them (at least until The Matrix happens).

The-Matrix-quotes-4
No comment

So if you’re feeling down about your digitized love-life, at the very least get your friends involved in the game. Let them advise you on how best to use your swipes. Download SparkStarter and let them match you up all day long. Or even go all out and have them introduce you to a real-live person. It’s got all the same perks as online dating without the carpal tunnel.

BeautifulSpinster

Whatever the case, start matching up your friends, and grab a piece of that happiness pie before the pie-powered robots hear about it.

-David S