National Hand-Holding Day: 9 Things To Hold That Are Better Than Hands

August is finally here and that means it’s officially National Romance Awareness Month! So if you’re not busy scrambling to soak up every last possible ray of sunlight and heat before the cool autumn winds of change arrive, you’re probably very aware of the romance (or lack thereof) in your life.
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This upcoming Sunday (August 9th) is National Hand-Holding Day, which isn’t anything too special if you’re in a relationship. However, if you’re super duper single, here are 9 things that you could be holding that are better than a hand.

  1. Books: You may judge them by their cover, but they’ll never judge you for flying solo.Baby Book animated GIF
  2. Beer Bottles: Whether it’s a Bud Light, a local craft brew, or a foreign import, you’ll feel refreshed, relaxed, and ready to take on a new challenge.
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  3. An Oven Mitt: It’s like a coat for your hands! It’ll come in handy when you’re reaching for the second batch of cookies/muffins/brownies that you’ve just finished baking.
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  4. Smartphones: Yeah you might be judged for being glued to your phone, but at least onlookers will think your life is busy and exciting.
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  5. A Dumbbell: Life’s heartbreaks may not have you emotionally strong at the moment, but at least you’ll be physically strong.
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  6. TV Remotes: With these, you’re in control. If you want to shamelessly watch the Real Housewives of Orange County, you have the power. YOU GO GLEN COCO.
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  7. Babies: They’re adorable, you can pinch their little fat cheeks, and they can bring instant smiles to your life. Plus you can return them to their owners when you get bored.
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  8. Small Puppies: All the perks of holding a baby plus the option of petting, and without all the crying and smelly diapers!
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  9. A Glass of Wine: It’s classy, you probably need some after that stressful week at work, and it goes great with all the Netflix you’ll be binge watching this weekend.

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Hopefully this list will come in handy this Sunday when you have nothing but despair to clutch.
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Stabbin’ In The Woods: 10 Signs Your Romantic Camping Weekend Is Turning Into A Slasher Flick

There are two kinds of people: those who love the outdoors, and those who hate it.

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Well, actually there is a third kind of person: lunatics who enjoy chopping up camping teenagers. Different strokes for different folks!

That’s why it’s especially important this camping season to tread lightly. Literally. Tracks only help the psycho stalk you more efficiently. So I’ve compiled a list to help you sidestep the blood and guts. Keep an eye out for these 10 Signs Your Romantic Camping Weekend Is Turning Into A Slasher Flick:

1. A car, a camping stove, or a lightbulb doesn’t turn on. It’s dead. And a metaphor. It’s a dead-aphor.

2. The cabin you’re staying in has a “cellar”. Survivors prefer the ground floor, thank you.

Nothing good has ever been found in a "cellar." And I'm including apple sauce.
Nothing good has ever been found in a “cellar.” And I’m including apple sauce.

3. The nearby insane asylum has questionably archaic security practices. It’s like they don’t even care about rehabilitating those bloodthirsty psychopaths….

4. Tonight there’s a blood moon. Don’t trust the moon. It wants you dead.

A Dark Side of the Moon...
A Dark Side of the Moon…

5. Rather than romantic visions, you’re plagued by nightmares when you fall asleep. But who can sleep with that odd scratching noise.

6. A jar of jam or a bottle of ketchup explodes, covering you in what looks like blood. Your tough-guy friend points this out. He’ll be the first to go…

You Just Got Jammed
Good riddance…

7. Any member of your group could be called “token.”

8. The term “V-card” is thrown around at any point during your trip. Any discussion of virginity is like catnip to axe-murderers.

9. There’s a lake.

Skinny Dipping Only
The water’s fine…

 

10. You’re objectively terrible people.

So there you go. Keep an eye out for these signs, and you should survive your romantic wilderness romp.

But suppose you chose to have kinda weird, outdoor sex instead of reading my carefully thought-out blog post. What if you’re already in the middle of a chainsaw-filled, high pitch scream sort of weekend? You’re running for your life from a psychotic killer, but you’re not sure all is as it seems…

Well, I don’t know why I should help you now, but fine. Here are 10 Signs Your Slasher Flick is Turning Into A Romantic Camping Trip:

1. Behind the psycho’s hockey mask you can see just the hint of his sparkling blue eyes.

You could just drown in those eyes...
You could just drown in those eyes…

2. His breath on the back of your neck gives you the good kind of tingles…

3. Your murderer really seems to have a fun loving attitude.

I DO want to play a game!
I do want to play a game!

4. From the killer’s mindless grunts you can tell he has a lovely singing voice.

5. While running for your life, you tripped, and you really fell for him.

6. The killer’s homemade traps betray his love of arts and crafts.

His Etsy account is HackNSlash
His Etsy account is HackNSlash

7. Your psycho stalker really listens to you.

8. Other than the surgically implanted razor blades, his hands are so soft.

He must exfoliate...
He must exfoliate…

9. Your murderer seems to really care about his mother.

10. It’s clear he’s got no hang ups about pursuing a physical relationship.

Right, so now you should be all snuggled up next to your bloody lover, his hook-hand in yours, and everything is right with the world. Well, I suppose your friends and/or partner is dead, but hey, the wilderness is dangerous. They should have read my blog more closely…

-David S

Ice Cream Socializing: What Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor Says About Your Love Life

National Ice Cream day is this Sunday, and it couldn’t come at a better time. Yes, it’s ungodly hot outside, and there’s no better (non-alcoholic) way to cool off than a double-scoop waffle cone, but what I’m talking about is more serious than that. I’m talking about SCIENCE!

Yeah, science!
Calm down, Jesse. I haven’t even said anything yet. Amateur…

Last year, Baskin-Robbins and Dr. Alan Hirsch, the founder of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, teamed up to study what a person’s favorite ice cream flavor says about their personality.

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For example: I like tattoos and make bad decisions.

But what can ice cream tell you about yourself that you don’t already know? I’ve lived with myself everyday for twenty-such-and-such years. If I haven’t figured out my personality by now, ice cream won’t teach me, no matter how insightful and well-read it is.

You raise a valid argument, Ice Cream
Spiderman doesn’t count. He’s always confused.

But with a little research into personality compatibility, I’ve unlocked the frozen sugary secret of what your favorite ice cream flavor says about your love life. So grab a cone, and figure out if you’re a licker or a biter. I swear I’m talking about ice cream…

FatStewie

Vanilla

Vanilla: otherwise known as plain. Boring. Ordinary. This must mean you’re drabber than drab and your love life is 50 shades of grey with a lower-case “g.” Wrong! Followers of Vanilla The Hun are intense, impulsive idealists. Pretty much like the real Atilla without all the beheading. Instead, they’re romantics at heart who can get lost in their daydreams. Which makes them a perfect match for…

Coffee

Those who walk down the dark-roasted path are not much different from coffee themselves: warm, fun to be with, and emotionally affirming. The lovers of coffee ice cream can provide the loyalty and emotional awareness the Vanillas of the world need. And in turn the Nilla Wafers give the Java the Hutts the credit and praise they won’t give themselves. Not to mention vanilla and coffee both come from beans. That’s probably a sign or something.

Java The Hutt
Get it? Java the Hutt…

Chocolate

The yin to vanilla’s yang. The darkness that quenches the light. The antithesis to vanilla’s… tithesis. If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it’s that the Chocolates should find themselves a nice Vanilla and settle down in an inexplicably affordable loft in lower Manhattan. Wrong again! Man, you guys are bad at this. Chocolatiers are performers at heart. They’re masters in the art of flirtation and seduction, but goofy and quirky. Basically Jessica Day. And this carefree sensual side pairs perfectly with…

Strawberry

Yes, the red-headed child of the ice cream family. Strawberries are devoted, understanding, and a little introverted, making those charming chocolates a great match. Not only is their sex life filled with chocolate covered strawberries, but together they are decidedly the fun couple and well-balanced. Chocolate can be frivolous with spending, but Strawberry’s practical side makes sure the two find the best possible deal on that hand-spun yak hair dreamcatcher Chocolate’s been eyeing.

My checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!
Chocolate out!

Chocolate Chip

Just like the first person to take a vanilla scoop and say “throw a couple chocolate chips in there,” those who love the speckled ice cream are generous and ambitious. They want the best of both worlds, and don’t mind asking for it. Much like a Chippendales dancer, Chip lovers lavish their partners with ridiculous displays of affection. They go big or they go home, making them the ideal match for…

Mint Chocolate Chip

Even though it’s not exactly the safe choice flavor-wise, those who prefer a little mint with their chocolate tend to be more cautious and frugal. They balance out their mintless partner’s child-like love of fun with a refreshing taste of green-dyed seriousness. Think of them as the bowtie around the Chippendales dancer’s neck: bringing a classy and serious feel as the chippers strut their stuff.

You do you, Chocolate Chip!
You do you, Chocolate Chip!

Rocky Road

Contrary to what the name suggests, drivers on the Rocky Road tend to have a smooth ride. They’re extremely dedicated and their people skills are off the charts. And that’s good news for them because they get to re-draw the chart, and these Rock stars are all about learning. It wouldn’t surprise me if they chose this particular flavor because it’s like a mini archaeological dig, full of ancient secrets and marshmallows. Unfortunately that question wasn’t on the survey. What I do know is that the Road warriors will learn to love…

Rainbow Sherbet

Rainbows are pretty much the international symbol of happy, and it’s no different when emblazoned upon ice cream or ice cream-like substances. The Rain-bowling league is laidback with an imagination set to hyperdrive. Their easy-going nature is the perfect counterpoint to the Road warrior’s high standards. Together they form an ambitious and enthusiastic duo with some of the rockier edges painted over in rainbow striping. Similar to my 2nd grade pet rock, but more emotionally stable.

Can you smell what The Rock is cookin?
I miss you too, pet The Rock

Cookie Dough

My personal favorite, which means it’s obviously for super rich, beautiful geniuses. More or less Tony Stark. Alright alright, that’s not really true. But Cookie Dough lovers are ambitious and even “visionary,” which explains how they came up with the idea to combine the two most beloved desserts of all time. They’re happy to focus on the big pictures (like delicious cookie dough) and ignore the small annoyances (like salmonella). So it’s natural they should be paired up with…

Pralines ‘n Cream

If you’re like me you’re not entirely sure what Pralines are, which is fitting because while PnC-lovers are loving and supportive, they’re a little shy and prefer to stay out of the spotlight. They take the flip side to Cookie Dough’s precociousness and help balance out Dough’s lack of follow-through with their disciplined nature. In fact, and this is an actual quote, PnCs are “dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship.” If that’s not deserving of a double scoop waffle cone, I don’t know what is!

HomerFainting
Please enjoy responsibly…

Well, that’s all the science I’m legally allowed to do in one blog post. If I forgot your favorite flavor, hit us up in the comments to let us know what it is, then check out the personality descriptions to learn more about your ideal match.

A Happy National Ice Cream Day to all you lovers out there. May your roads be rocky and your relationships smooth.

 

-David S

You Go, Grill! An 8-Course Cookout Fit for a President

There are few things as American as the grill. Bacon mayo maybe, but that’s for a different blog post. At first glance the grill can seem crude and simple. But in the right hands, the grill holds more secrets than the back of the Declaration of Independence. You just need to have a little imagination.

Just think like Nicholas Cage
Maybe not that much imagination…

And so, in the spirit of Independence Day, which can and should be celebrated all summer long, I’ve compiled the ultimate list of rebellious grillables to turn a traditional BBQ into an 8-course cookout! This is America, dammit, and we’re free to grill whatever our cholesterol-filled hearts desire!

This is America
Ron Swanson approved

Before we bust into the list, let’s get one thing straight. Grills are hot, and as such need to be dealt with the same way you’d treat a hot date. Keep them in the open air, rub ‘em down with plenty of oil, and make sure your delicate… er… hands are properly covered. Let’s jump in!

1st Course

Cocktails

We all know grilling and beer go together like flips and flops. But what if I told you there was a better option — a grilled option — for your drinking pleasure?

Unorthodox? Yes. Unnecessary? A little. Smokey and sweet all at the same time? Absolutely.  I’m talking about this grilled pineapple mojito, which will keep you cool and collected as we move onto the next course of…

2nd Course

Salad

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You think salads are just bowls of cold leaves? Hell no! Brush those mothers down with some olive oil and vinegar and slap them on the grill! These grilled romaine hearts will impress even the most discerning of BBQ guests, and you’ll seem classy and healthy even as you stuff your face.

3rd Course

Hors D’oeuvres

Much like this great country of ours, a good grilled kabob is a melting pot: full of different meats, veggies, and pointy wooden sticks. From the traditionalists, to the vegans, every kabob has its place on the grill. And for the hipsters, there are stuffed peppers, chorizo-shrimp, and plenty of other options that nobody’s ever heard of before. Some even have bacon.

4th Course

Sausages & Corn

With all this revolutionary grilling you’ll be doing, some folks are bound to get uncomfortable. Trendsetting isn’t for everyone. And despite being the most innuendo-prone course, brats and grilled corn are a couple of grill classics sure to put everyone at ease before we get back into the really weird stuff.

5th Course

Antipasta

Grill Pizza

Fair warning, this is one you’ll actually have to plan ahead for. Waiting for pizza dough to rise is the culinary equivalent of watching paint dry without the fun of huffing paint fumes. But much like paint fume related brain damage, it’s all worth it when your guests are swooning over the smokey flavors and hopefully-not-burned crust of a fresh grilled pizza.

6th Course

Seafood

grilled shrimp

This is where things start to get tricky. Not in terms of culinary prowess; that happened a few bullet points ago. I’m talking about social grace. It’s a well known fact that leaving people alone with shrimp and a grill will invariably lead to a “shrimp on the barbie” joke, so I’m just going to warn you now. Don’t do it. You’ve worked too hard to do that to yourself. And if one of your guests commits this comedic faux pas in between bites of tangy Margarita Grilled Shrimp, kindly ask them to leave, escort them off the premises, and call 911.

7th Course

Poultry

beercanchicken

Alright, the kid gloves are off, and we’re taking our grill game to the next level. Then we’re beating the rest of the levels and putting our initials in the high scores as ASS. That’s right, it’s time for some Beer Can Chicken. This masterpiece uses the age old proverb, “Beer makes everything better” to keep the meat tender and juicy. Ok, maybe this is the most innuendo prone course… Let’s move on.

8th Course

Dessert

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You’re on the home stretch now. One last course until you’re inducted into the hallowed ranks of The Charcoal Knights of Bobby Flay. But let’s be honest, after seven other courses you’re going to be feeling fatigued and carrying a third-trimester food baby. So we’re going to keep it simple for dessert with brown-sugar grilled peaches. Add a little vanilla ice cream, and your guests will fall into a contented food coma before the coals cool off.

The Tongs that guard the Ribs of Men
The Tongs that guard the Ribs of Men

So there you have it! Proof that you don’t need electricity to throw an elaborate dinner party. Astound your friends and loved ones with your mastery of smoke and fire, then put them on clean-up duty. Your job is done.

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You Know You’re Proud to be an American When…

We’ve made it to the best weekend of the summer. If you’re as predictable as I am, you’ve been waiting for this holiday of pyrotechnics for 364 days and now it’s finally here.

What are we all talking about?The Fourth of July, of course.

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Well, okay, besides that, we all know the Fourth of July is freakin’ awesome.

Now, if your heart’s still racing with excitement just thinking about the fun you’ll have this weekend, this is only one thing that makes you proud to be an American.

What else puts you in the “I love ‘Merica a little too much” category? You’re about to find out.

1) You bought a red, white and blue swimsuit just for the holiday

Let’s face it, you definitely need to rock your three favorite colors at the multiple barbecues you’ll inevitably find yourself at this weekend.

Are these actually your favorite colors? Well, no. Will you be rockin’ them anyway just in case people forget what holiday you’re celebrating? YES.

2) Your friends have already spent way too much on fireworks

Now, let’s be clear. It’s not you who’s blowing hundreds of dollars on fireworks, it’s your buddies who got a little carried away at the 30 percent off sale at the firework warehouse a good 50 miles out from your house.

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You’re not complaining though, because we’re not letting the neighbors win the neighborhood’s unspoken firework face-off again this year, are we?

3) You can’t get enough of a good “U-S-A!” chant

Not only do you get really into these patriotic chants, you’re definitely going to start one on the Fourth. In your mind you’re thinking, “Well, I can’t not start this right now,” and all of a sudden, you’re off.

Nothing like brushing up on your spelling and acronym skills to really get a holiday going.

4) You’re going to consume way too much potato salad

That’s right, potato salad. Yes, you will be at multiple barbecues this weekend and there will be an assortment of meat entrees to choose from. You know what will also be there? Potato salad, and you’re going to eat way too much of it.

Consider yourself warned.

5) For this weekend and this weekend only, you love country music

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Studies have shown that 72 percent of country songs mention the U.S. of A being awesome in some way. Studies have also found that 81 percent of statistics are made up. That’s besides the point. The point is, country is ‘Murica’s music genre of choice when it really wants to toot its own horn. So yes, we all know you’ll be jammin’ with the rest of us to every country song we know.

We could go on all day, but honestly, we have some potato salad to eat. What else makes you super proud to be an American this weekend?

As always, let us know in the comments.

LD out.