Sunday (August 23rd) is National Hug A Sweetheart Day, which means that you’re now either thinking about how you’re going to gleefully and physically embrace your partner, or you’re cringing at the fact that there will lots of PDA going on that day. However, if you’re on #teamsingleandreadytomingle, don’t be worried – your “sweetheart” doesn’t even necessarily have to be human. Here are 8 things that you can hug to show the world that you’re single and CONFIDENT.
A Pillow – Soft, delicate, and fluffy – let’s be real, we know one of your biggest hobbies is napping. Pillows are your best friends – the more the merrier.
2. A Tree – Going green is not only all the rage, but it’s something that you should be doing regardless. Show those earth-destroying haters that you care about the environment.
3. Your Mom – There’s nothing quite like the warm embrace of your mother. You might love her or might hate her, but in times of trouble, nobody makes a better batch of cookies/muffins/brownies than her.
4. A Dog – They’re cute, chippy, and in constant need for attention and affection.
5. A Piglet – If you’re lucky enough to get your hands on one of these miniature pink cuddles of joy, squeeze them until they squeal. You can hog all of their attention.
6. Your Grandma – She’s been through a lot in her life. Comforting her will ultimately end up comforting you.
7. A Mascot – Where they’re from Disneyland, your favorite sports team, or your favorite fast-food chain, they’re always friendly and the pictures are great for Instagram.
8. A Horse – They’ll take you places and will instantly gallop into your heart. As long as you don’t whip them, they will neigh neigh for you.
Now go ahead and embrace your confidence by embracing something else!
August is finally here and that means it’s officially National Romance Awareness Month! So if you’re not busy scrambling to soak up every last possible ray of sunlight and heat before the cool autumn winds of change arrive, you’re probably very aware of the romance (or lack thereof) in your life.
This upcoming Sunday (August 9th) is National Hand-Holding Day, which isn’t anything too special if you’re in a relationship. However, if you’re super duper single, here are 9 things that you could be holding that are better than a hand.
Books: You may judge them by their cover, but they’ll never judge you for flying solo.
Beer Bottles: Whether it’s a Bud Light, a local craft brew, or a foreign import, you’ll feel refreshed, relaxed, and ready to take on a new challenge.
An Oven Mitt: It’s like a coat for your hands! It’ll come in handy when you’re reaching for the second batch of cookies/muffins/brownies that you’ve just finished baking.
Smartphones: Yeah you might be judged for being glued to your phone, but at least onlookers will think your life is busy and exciting.
A Dumbbell: Life’s heartbreaks may not have you emotionally strong at the moment, but at least you’ll be physically strong.
TV Remotes: With these, you’re in control. If you want to shamelessly watch the Real Housewives of Orange County, you have the power. YOU GO GLEN COCO.
Babies: They’re adorable, you can pinch their little fat cheeks, and they can bring instant smiles to your life. Plus you can return them to their owners when you get bored.
Small Puppies: All the perks of holding a baby plus the option of petting, and without all the crying and smelly diapers!
A Glass of Wine: It’s classy, you probably need some after that stressful week at work, and it goes great with all the Netflix you’ll be binge watching this weekend.
Hopefully this list will come in handy this Sunday when you have nothing but despair to clutch.
We’ve made it to the best weekend of the summer. If you’re as predictable as I am, you’ve been waiting for this holiday of pyrotechnics for 364 days and now it’s finally here.
What are we all talking about?The Fourth of July, of course.
Well, okay, besides that, we all know the Fourth of July is freakin’ awesome.
Now, if your heart’s still racing with excitement just thinking about the fun you’ll have this weekend, this is only one thing that makes you proud to be an American.
What else puts you in the “I love ‘Merica a little too much” category? You’re about to find out.
1) You bought a red, white and blue swimsuit just for the holiday
Let’s face it, you definitely need to rock your three favorite colors at the multiple barbecues you’ll inevitably find yourself at this weekend.
Are these actually your favorite colors? Well, no. Will you be rockin’ them anyway just in case people forget what holiday you’re celebrating? YES.
2) Your friends have already spent way too much on fireworks
Now, let’s be clear. It’s not you who’s blowing hundreds of dollars on fireworks, it’s your buddies who got a little carried away at the 30 percent off sale at the firework warehouse a good 50 miles out from your house.
You’re not complaining though, because we’re not letting the neighbors win the neighborhood’s unspoken firework face-off again this year, are we?
3) You can’t get enough of a good “U-S-A!” chant
Not only do you get really into these patriotic chants, you’re definitely going to start one on the Fourth. In your mind you’re thinking, “Well, I can’t not start this right now,” and all of a sudden, you’re off.
Nothing like brushing up on your spelling and acronym skills to really get a holiday going.
4) You’re going to consume way too much potato salad
That’s right, potato salad. Yes, you will be at multiple barbecues this weekend and there will be an assortment of meat entrees to choose from. You know what will also be there? Potato salad, and you’re going to eat way too much of it.
Consider yourself warned.
5) For this weekend and this weekend only, you love country music
Studies have shown that 72 percent of country songs mention the U.S. of A being awesome in some way. Studies have also found that 81 percent of statistics are made up. That’s besides the point. The point is, country is ‘Murica’s music genre of choice when it really wants to toot its own horn. So yes, we all know you’ll be jammin’ with the rest of us to every country song we know.
We could go on all day, but honestly, we have some potato salad to eat. What else makes you super proud to be an American this weekend?
It’s wedding season folks, and we all know what that means. During this season of love we all know that you fit comfortably into one of these three categories:
You’re actually getting married. Congrats! Oh, and also congrats on your ability to fend off glares from every envious acquaintance, dodging “so how’d y’all meet?” questions, and finally, learning how to say “no” politely when someone asks to try on your ring.
You’re in the heart of the wedding party. Bridesmaid? Groomsman? Whatever it may be, no pressure, but if that bride and groom aren’t 100 percent satisfied with their big day and every event leading up to it, it’s at least a little bit your fault.
If you’re anything like me, you’re more single than ever and attending all of these weddings for the free food, an excuse to dress up in your strappiest heels and most of all, to people watch.
Now, the last point leads us to the colorful bunch that that we all, without fail, find ourselves among at every wedding that we attend and this June won’t be any different.
Shall we begin?
1. The 27 Dresses Bridesmaid
We all have a friend who is well, just that. She’s the best friend that you’ve ever had and that anyone has ever had. She spends too much of her time planning everybody else’s weddings and is the ultimate hopeless romantic. While she’s busy planning what’s-her-name’s bachelorette party, her own love life is as thriving as a hibernating bear in December.
2. The Best Bro
Yes, there’s always the one groomsman or wedding guest who is just at the wedding to check out which fish happen to be in this particular sea. This is also the same guy who scoffed at the invitation’s idea of bringing a “plus one” and has mastered the art of dodging female guests that he’s already hit on at previous weddings.
And although he keeps saying that he’ll never get married because his life right now is just too good to be true, everyone knows this is a front. Your friends are counting down the days until this big-talkin’ friend gets married because everyone knows that wedding will be one for the books.
Or like Barney Stinson would say, it’ll be legendary.
3. The Pouting Parent
Just because two people found each other and fell in love, doesn’t mean that the parents are going to immediately love each other, or even the person that their beloved child is marrying. Yes, it’s rough out there when two families collide, and inevitable, one parent cannot hide his or her distaste for the future in-law.
This is where it can get #awkward for anyone in this situation, but when people like me (people watchers in the third category) latch onto the drama like leeches.
You can honestly spot this parent from a mile away. While the rest of the wedding party is laughing, celebrating and socializing with one another, this parent will slip into a mood of sheer disappointment when he or she thinks no one is looking.
Yup, this parent thought his or her kid would just come to their senses before the big day arrived, but alas, that didn’t happen. When the newlyweds inevitably have their first fight, this parent will be the first one to hop on the “I told you so!” bandwagon.
4. The Dude Who Just Won’t Remember This Tomorrow
This is the guy at the wedding who is making the trip out worth it. His vocal outbursts and questionable dance moves are enough to keep everyone buckling over with laughter, and you have stories for days thanks to him.
While this is all fun and games, you come to realize that this dude is having so much fun, that he definitely won’t remember anything after the ceremony tomorrow.
For the moment though, everyone continues rallying around the guy who is almost more of the life of the party than the bride and groom. Cheers to that.
5. The person who – wait, who is that even?
And finally, to round up our list of the five people you (without fail) will find at a wedding we have my favorite. The person who, well, the person who no one exactly knows.
This is the person who will walk up to you and greet you by name, only so you can muster a not-so-convincing “hey, you!” back because you and the rest of the wedding party have no idea who this mysterious social butterfly is, and you’re all too self-conscious to ask.
Wedding season. It’s here, and you’ve been training for it all year.
You may not be the bride or groom, but you are the champion. You’ve stared the very soul of matrimony straight in the eyes, and you have lived to tell the tale.
Ideally, your tale was something about how beautiful everyone looked and how lovely the reception was. But to be completely honest, all those beautiful moments begin to blur together after your 17th slice of wedding cake this season (not including the vegan nut loaf at Aunt Lilybell’s love-celebration). Eating, drinking, and dancing your way through a marathon of weddings isn’t that much different from a real marathon: your body starts to hurt, your dedication is tested, and there’s a significant amount of chaffing.
But remember, this day is about the newlyweds, so no matter how fatigued you are, you’ve got to be at the top of your game. To turn yourself into the perfect marathon wedding guest, you must prepare like a marathon runner. Follow these steps, and trust me, the happy couples will thank you.
In a real marathon, people stand by the side of the road just waiting to hand you little paper cups of the good stuff. At a wedding marathon, there’s a bartender. Dancing and drinking is a dangerous combination: fun-dancing can quickly turn into embarrassing-dancing, and drinking can have some… messier consequences as well.
So in the immortal words of Lil’ Deezie, you gotta drink some water so you can roll harder. Bring a (second) flask of water with you, or double fist a cup of water with your regular drink if you have to. Just remember, keeping the dancefloor a hydrated and dignified zone is the best gift you can give the happy couple. (But you should probably get them a real gift, too.)
This is everything to a marathoner. Have you seen how much they spend on shoes? I don’t know the exact figures and I’m unwilling to do a simple Google search to find out, but it’s a lot. The thing is, the wedding marathoner’s shoe budget is spent on style rather than comfort, so sooner or later you’ll be praying to the God of Arch Support for a pair of running shoes.
Invest in a pair of simple, comfortable shoes that fit in a jacket pocket or purse, and you can do your best impression of a Nascar pit crew with a quick-change in between the ceremony and reception (extra points if you change in the car). Your cramp-free feet will give you a new outlook on life. Or at least a second wind on the dance floor.
Unless you’re headed to Richard Simmons’ wedding this summer, the usual marathon spandex suit is probably out. But the same reasoning behind running outfits should be applied to your formal wear: keep cool, conceal sweat, and avoid chaffing. Seriously. Avoid it.
Airy skirts and dark dress shirts are your friends. Ditch the suit jacket and sweaters as soon as you’re seated. Remember hydration from earlier? There are these things called ice cubes that can work wonders. With these tips and a little luck, you can avoid the compression shorts and nipple tape. Well, maybe a little nipple tape…
Eat, drink, and be merry! Weddings are celebrations of all of life’s greatest pleasures. Love is the word of the day, but if you’re anything like me, buffettable and open bar are close seconds. These are the happy couple’s way of thanking you for celebrating with them, so the least you can do is enjoy them like the champion you are.
Marathoners have stance, stride, and arm jiggle to worry about, but the wedding marathoner’s main concern is balance. Balance is what you need when stacking dinner rolls upon roast beef upon salad upon more dinner rolls.
Real marathon masters generously grab two or three drinks in the other hand for their less-zen friends. Protip: Use your steady-handed skills to bring drinks to the happy couple. Just make sure you’ve got room on your mantle for the “Best Wedding Guest” trophy.
Real marathoners need the proper concentration and attitude to push their bodies to the limit, and the same goes for keeping up your energy when doing your 14th Cupid Shuffle. This is where wedding marathoners have the upper hand: that little +1 on your invitation.
The power of a Plus One can turn a regular reception into a rousing game of Best-Man-Speech Bingo. Be sure to bring a Plus One whose dancing style complements your own. You don’t want them trying to tango while you’re in the middle of a perfectly executed Duggy. You and your Plus One should be on the same page before you even get to the wedding, so some whiteboard diagrams and a playbook may be in order.
Having a partner in crime allows you to take what would be just another ordinary wedding and turn it into a special day that the two of you will remember forever. Assuming you follow the hydration rules and don’t overdo it at the open bar…
So now you’ve crossed the finish line, and you’re feeling invincible. Your friends are living happily ever after, and it’s all thanks to you. (Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.) You’ve mastered the wedding marathon, so now it’s time to pass your wisdom on to the younger generations.
Shout out your favorite wedding tips in the comments. Mazel Tov!